ON PAIN, REALITY AND PROFESSIONALISM

This piece was originally written and published on November 12, 2018 on www.queerfutures.com by sav schlauderaff

Where can I talk about my pain? Where can I explain that my body is bruised, and pinching and burning and tingling and vibrating and very clearly not here/too much here all at the same time? How can I talk about my fixation on my swollen and inflamed face, the way my mouth is too hot and tastes like blood, my stomach feels like the ache of being electrocuted by an electric fence—while also trying to “do academia”. That even in crip spaces, is it okay for me to be honest? I don’t want to scare you or overwhelm you with my vast and all-encompassing pain. Can you feel the vibrations too? What do you feel when you too are enveloped in the constant motion of my body? How can I discuss the time and energy it takes for me to focus, to shake out of the dissociation, the hard work of attending to my eyes to try and make them focus, to try and see through the static, the fireworks, the gaps in vision. I am trying to be present. I want to be here. I have worked hard to be here. I am just so exhausted. Be happy, be interested, be kind, be funny, be witty, be concise, be astute, be prepared. Be an academic. You don’t get to be tired or checked out. We must perform !! We must be put together. But how impossible that feels. In what plane of “reality” are we on now? I’m trying to put words together and speak them through my shaking, locking, throbbing mouth. Do they see the new addition of facial tics? And why do these make me so self-conscious? Do they see my body full of, no, overflowing with, energy? My bodymindspirit is fractured, and yet full? I am finding myself in contradictory spacetime here. Feeling nothing and EVERYTHING all at once—yet again. A return. A return. A return. A return to fractured, to despair, to a working between worlds. Always in multiple places/planes at once. And yet the pain is what follows me, what has always been there. What is your life like without pain? Can you describe it to me? What does it feel like to be present and not constantly overwhelmed by thoughts, sounds, voices—are these “real”? I know the pain is. I am not here/I am too much here. My bodymindspirit is a contradiction. Can we talk about it? Do you promise you won’t be scared? Do you promise you won’t pity me? I’m not asking you to hold my pain, just to hold space. To listen to those of us who are too much, who are always too much. Do you promise there is space for my trauma and my pain? And when do these become synonymous? Can I be honest now?

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Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities. Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection. Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.