LET THE FOREST TAKE ME AND OTHER NOTES ON DEPRESSION

This piece was originally written and published February 10, 2019 on www.queerfutures.com by sav schlauderaff

Image description: an overlay of the woods in northern minnesota in the summertime. sav can be seen in the photo, but they are blurry and obscured by the trees

When I die let the forest take my body. Let it swallow me whole. Will the clovers grow between my toes? Will the ferns hug me tight? I remember running on small winding deer trails where the ferns lightly brushed our legs. Remember getting lost in the lush green backdrop, panicked. Surrounded. I thought I was comfortable in the woods But they all left me here I remember coming to a clearing and seeing the trees all in straight lines rows and rows of pines. And silence Shhhh That they were planted there on purpose A ruse of nature Like the iron mines turned lakes, too clear to be real The trees hanging off the red dirt cliffs by the roots, hoping to keep their place I’m trying to hang on here too So many long walks along the Mississippi river Processing Everything felt too real, too sharp, too vibrant I pick up a leaf and I’m laughing now I’m here and I’m not I’m above me The leaf is in my hand, I’m humming, I’m feeling. Tracing the veins like we used to when making imprints on paper Growing outward to the tips I’m biking fast around the lakes; never fast enough I’m biking drunk through the streets So fast that i’m floating The warm summer air is surrounding me I’m Crying Always Crying Will the trees hold my sadness? Call us if you have any urges to hurt yourself This may cause mood changes Something of a memory of a deer frozen to death on a hill. I remember the woods covered in snow. So perfect the views would take our breath away How expansive and comforting The snow creating silence So still The sun makes the icicles slowly melt, making craters in the snow below And makes the snow banks sparkle We make it to the top of the hill We are racing down it now Faster Faster So happy we almost forget about the deer on the hill and the danger of the frost We almost forget about our frozen toes And how the forest is not only alive The snow creates silence shhhhh They tell you to know your body, to be aware of changes. From numb to burning, itching, searing. My skin is dancing, muscles aching My vision is full of flashing lights Can I pretend they’re stars? And memories of big open fields, spinning around and around watching the stars swirl together Star tripping, right? Next to us is a warm bonfire, the light makes the woods look darker. Don’t be scared. Do you think they’re in neat rows? Where everything has its place? I’m trying to find mine Can you recreate a home in your own body after being torn up? Can I be like the trees in neat rows? Can I too be filled up with crystal clear water? No one has to know I can keep secrets like the trees I’m driving in the dark blasting regina spektor The roads are winding and the woods are dark shadows on either side of me This is how it works You're young until you're not You love until you don't You try until you can't You laugh until you cry You cry until you laugh And everyone must breathe Until their dying breath No, this is how it works You peer inside yourself You take the things you like And try to love the things you took And then you take that love you made And stick it into some Someone else's heart Pumping someone else's blood And walking arm in arm You hope it don't get harmed But even if it does You'll just do it all again I want to go faster faster We’re all laughing Until we’re not. The shadows start to close in, but it’s not time yet. Call us if you have any urges to hurt yourself This may cause mood changes

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Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities. Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection. Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.