I’M NOT LYING YOU JUST AREN’T LISTENING.

This piece was originally written and published on September 16, 2018 on www.queerfutures.com by sav schlauderaff

I don’t like talking about my pain.

It has become habit to make jokes

To downplay

And then return home to constantly google what’s going on

To try and make sense of this hurting body

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because everyone seems to dismiss it

Told me it was “in my head”

But is that not still real?

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because I have experienced too many doctors who seem annoyed

Who seem to busy to listen

It’s just stress

Anxiety

You need more sleep

Are you doing yoga?

But you’re so fit, you can’t feel sick

Is it just your period?

As if

I’m just lying

?

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because i’m already always exhausted

Because I’m afraid of the damage I may have done to my own body

Because it had become normal

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because I don’t want to be an annoyance

It’s chronic

It’s always

So perhaps

I will talk about it more than once

I’m sorry.

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because once I start it just continues

And the doctors stare and stop writing

Like there is a threshold for truth and I’m over the line

I don’t like talking about my pain

And the way it gets conflated with my trauma

The way they look at my chart

Already prepared to just offer a counsellor

Would it be better if I did lie?

Omitted that history

What story do I need to construct for you to listen to me?

And no, I don’t want to talk about trauma

And the way my being has continually been broken

Because you didn’t listen then either

Offered medication before I was even finished

Rattled off some diagnoses

And you’re just not listening

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because i’m tired of mediating people’s shock

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because maybe it is better than those years of nothing

At least I can feel present

I’m sorry for the neglect

But please don’t yell at me now

My base level is an 8

And I’m tired of crying

The truth is I have intrusive thoughts about dying constantly

And

I truly can’t see me making it past 30

Not with all this pain

And when I’m honest like that it makes people scared, and worried, and all overcrowding and too much noise and just

stop.

I’m tired of having to prove or validate myself

Can’t you see I’m tired

Can’t you see i don’t have time to lie

I’m in pain

I’m in pain and I don’t know what to do

Can you just listen?

---

Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities.

Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection.

Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.