FINDING SPACE FOR CARE

This piece was originally written and published January 26, 2020 on www.queerfutures.com by sav schlauderaff

an image of a painting collage that says “care” in the center surrounded by various bright colored flowers. Care is written mutliple times down the side. “gain strength inside/outside mindbody” is written on the top and “support my bodymindspirit” is written on the bottom.

Care is a repeating question. Attempts at honesty. Needed realizations. Often over-used, misunderstood, misinterpreted. Sometime pushed away. Sometimes given with the wrong intentions. Overwhelming. Necessary. Pain in search of a purpose. Care feels like sunshine and silence. Feels like slightly aching legs from walking. Feels like heavy breaths after biking over a big hill. Feels like petting my dogs’ fur. Feels like wet dirt, sticky bread dough, and hot coffee. Care looks like repeated reminders for myself and starting over because chronic illness too often gets in the way. It looks like assessing my boundaries, understanding the energy and time I actually have. It looks like learning when to just rest. Care disguises itself . Care often hides in bad habits. Physical care is always such a fine line for me between doing things to care for and strengthen my bodymind, and over-working, restricting, and harming myself. Care means remembering and understanding the ways in which I have harmed myself. Care wants to replenish, to give your bodymind a break, to ground you. Care needs connections, even when you need silence. Connections to those you love, your neighborhood, your bed, your energy. Care needs time, repetition and growth. Care needs to go beyond topical and short-term. Care won’t work if I’m only working alone. If I become stuck, if I won’t listen, if I become indifferent towards myself.

an image of several saguaro cactuses on a small hill

Ways I need to care for myself right now

1. Return to writing and reflecting--have more patience & accept my unfinished thoughts as progress. Allow myself to be more creative without worrying if it is “good enough”. Don’t judge my thoughtfeelings if they seem “repetitive”.

2. Overcome my fears of reaching out to others and in growing connections

3. Work on stretching everyday & strengthening my muscles again

4. Remember to drink more water & to stop forgetting my medication

5. Ask for help when I am overwhelmed and irritated; speak up when I am upset.

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Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities. Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection. Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.