"BUT WHY DID YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD?"

This video poem was originally created and published June 1, 2019 on www.queerfutures.com by sav schlauderaff

this is the three year anniversary of me buzzing off all my hair And with that, I suppose it’s the anniversary of my partner at the time breaking up with me because my newly shaved head and unshaven armpits were deemed “unattractive” and I unfuckable. Undesirable. Shaving my head was a way of taking control over my body and what it looks like Reclaiming it from too many partners who told me what to wear, that I needed to lose weight to gain weight, that I should be more “fill in the blank” around their friends, around their family, around their co-workers. That I needed to answer their call by the third ring. That we could only hang out on their time. How quickly those first few weeks of fun, and being together for 3 days in a row turn into me desperately trying to make up for something someone else did to me. Trying to become who they think I am. Always walking on eggshells It can become so easy to start to enjoy the instability To want the fights A distraction from past trauma Trauma that is worse than the trauma I could create The kind of trauma and fights you cry over not being able to forget I have spent so many years of my life not feeling safe to talk about myself So many years of people simultaneously interrogating me for their own trauma porn pleasure, and never actually trying to get to know me. Too many years being the shoulder or lap to cry on. And never being given the time or space to do the same. Too many years of always being the good listener, and being yelled at for not “opening up” enough. Too many years begging for them to love me But did I ever really want that? Romantic love? It’s so exhausting and consuming And if you don’t give everything you’re apparently hiding secrets or not caring enough or a cheater I’ve tried to reclaim that space and to set boundaries To avoid the kinds of people who have hurt me in the past Tried to re-write the rules, to not get emotionally invested. But my heart always finds a way to break in the summertime My body always finds a way to be picked apart, to be abused, to be violated And what’s the alternative? I’ve spent the last year avoiding any romantic or sexual interactions And I’m not sure how much that has helped Not sure if it has really given me the time and space to try and heal Sometimes it just feels like I’m pushing everyone away Because becoming sicker this past year has made me feel even less welcome in my own bodymind I feel scared of myself Scared of my pain And just so fucking tired Like all of this just never ends If it isn’t someone else hurting me, it’s my own body hurting me It can become so easy to think you have your shit together To think that you’re healing and addressing your trauma and hanging out with your friends and life is fantastic But bad habits sneak back in and my guard falls down And then I realize it was all just an illusion anyway. A big lie I told myself And it’s just so exhausting, especially when you realize there is no willful forgetting or an easy linear trajectory to follow. You can’t actually protect yourself or predict who you can’t trust People always feel so entitled to my time, my space, my body, my fucking hair I just want it all gone. I wish everything else was this easy.

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Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities. Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection. Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.