August 2018

This was originally published on www.queerfutures.com on August 16, 2018 by sav schlauderaff.

August 12, 2018 4:21pm// Some hipster coffee shop in Tucson New chapter -- August 13, 2018 7:21 pm// my kitchen table On new beginnings and building a new home. Or, what does It feel like to be present? This week I start my doctoral program. So many people leading up to this have asked me if I feel excited or nervous or whatever other emotions are associated with big life events. But I can’t help but feel like I have been lacking emotion, as if I am unable to truly feel these things, and I feel like I should be feeling these things. And should I fake it? Because it has appeared to make people uncomfortable when I’m honest “it’s just hard for me to ever really feel excited about things.” Is that bad? Or abnormal? I know I feel sad. That is an emotion I can feel. And I’m working at feeling present in my location. I think I like it here. I like the mountains and how small they make me feel. I like the cactuses. I like the weight of the air as I am biking. It’s good. I just feel hesitant. I feel hesitant because I put too much emphasis on my last move, I though getting out of my “home” state with all that trauma and bad memories and pain would make me better. And in many ways it did, I found my family, I found my job purpose, I felt like I could be myself. I felt comfortable. But with that also came the ability to FEEL. To feel the sadness after my body’s defense mechanisms to numb the Bad Things. And then more Bad Things happened. And they hurt more. -- August 14, 2018 11:04am// a park near campus -- August 14, 2018 12:01pm// a cafe somewhere in tucson How do you heal when you already felt you were in the process of healing? How do you come to terms with the fact that you are not doing as well as you are putting out to the world? What are the detriments of being vulnerable and open and honest? This is why I am a bit skeptical starting in a new city, starting over when I felt like I had just built this amazing community around me. How do you rebuild queer family magic? Or at least how can I transport it/ tap into it/ feel it from hundreds or thousands of miles away? What does transnational love and friendship look like? Is it skype calls and sharing memes? Can we be just as vulnerable if the feelings are transmitted through technology? I’m trying. --S.

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Sav is a trans, queer and disabled PhD student in Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Arizona in Tucson. Their research in critical disability studies questions the ways chronically ill individuals engage with mainstream medicine, biotechnology, biohacking and alternative forms of healing. As well as the interconnections between trauma, chronic illness, pain, (embodied/felt) memory, and self care/community care for the bodymindspirit. Sav utilizes their academic training in genetics, molecular biology and gender studies with autobiography, poetry and new media. They graduated from San Diego State University in 2018 with their M.A. in Women's Studies, where they completed their thesis "Rejecting the Desire for 'Health': Centering Crip Bodyminds in Genetic Testing"--bridging their undergraduate degrees in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development (GCD) and Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies (GWSS) from the University of Minnesota--Twin Cities.

Beyond, and intertwining with, their academic research, Sav is passionate about education, activism and community building especially around the LGBTQIA+ communities, trauma/PTSD, eating disorder recovery, and disability--in addition to the multiple intersections of these topics and identities. They always strive to create accessible, intersectional, collaborative and intentional workshops and lectures. They have worked to create interactive workshops, classrooms, internship programming, and mentorship connections with undergraduates and high school students centering the values of radical vulnerability, kindness, listening, and meaningful reflection. Outside of research, they are currently the Graduate Assistant at the Disability Cultural Center, a Safe Zone facilitator at the LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and a member of the Disability Studies Initiative at the University of Arizona. Sav is a co-founder of "The Queer Futures Collective" where they experiment with different forms of writing, workshops, and performances in-person and online. Sav integrates reflective journaling with theoretic work in their Sunday Sentiments articles, and creates accessible teaching materials and handouts that are free for users to download.